A Cry In The Night

Whenever it shows up, it shocks me with it's intensity. It shocks me that after all of these years, I still can't get over this. I should be stronger than this. I should be braver than this. I should be able to trust God more that He will help me through this. But I'm not. And it frustrates me and scares me that I can't get over this no matter how hard I try.

You see, I'm afraid, and I mean really afraid, of doctors and especially needles. It borders on a phobia, because it's aggrivatingly irrational. I can't tell you why, I just know that I am. I have tried every way I can think of to get over this, and nothing has really worked. I've prayed, I've talked to people, I've tried memorizing scripture and listening to comforting songs. I can't figure out the key. So why am I telling you this? Two reasons: I need help, but I also want to help. My goal with this blog has always been intentional Christ-focused encouragment. So I want to share some of the things I have learned in this area of fear, with the hope that maybe it will help someone out there.

1) I'm not alone. I'm not really talking about spiritually here, although that of course is true, too. I'm talking about that there are other people out there who struggle with this as well, some of whom I know. Just that knowledge helps. The worst part of feeling afraid is also feeling alone in your fear. God never meant for us to be alone, that's why He made us to need each other. If you are struggling with something, find someone who understands and can relate. It will help.

2) God can use my fear for His glory. God could have brought Himself glory by not allowing this fear in my life. If you don't struggle with this like I do, then please, give God the glory! But He did allow it, therefore, He intends it for His glory. I just have to figure out how. I can give God glory when I have to trust Him more to help me through this. I can give God glory when I make an iota of progress, and belive me, progress comes in iotas in this area. I can give God glory because He has the best plan for my life, and somehow, someway, this area is included. I don't understand how, but I don't have to.

3) Don't ever stop fighting. I admit that this one is hard for me. I'm bad at it. Most of the time I feel too tired to fight anymore. There's too many things going on in my life to try to deal with one more thing. To be honest, this is probably why it hasn't gotten better over the years. I've let it sit in my life and ferment. If you struggle with fear, or a particular sin, or anything, please, PLEASE keep fighting it. Help me to keep fighting, too. Find someone who will keep you be accountable, but who will do it in love. Sin needs a hard hand, but fear usually needs a soft one. If you are on the opposite side and you know someone who struggles with fear, don't be too harsh with them. If you've never experienced what they are going through, then you don't know what they are going through. Be a friend, be supportive, pray for them, ask what you can do to help, but don't try to push them in a direction they are not ready to go. Help them to be brave.

This was a hard post for me to write. It's always hard when you have to face your fears, and this was no different. I have a doctor's appointment this week, and I'm afraid. Please pray for me. Pray that the peace of God will rule in my heart and that I will be strong enough to fight the lies and fears that Satan throws at me. I can't do this by myself. I don't want to live in fear anymore, but I honestly don't know how to. If you have any encouraging words, or if you need any advice about someone you know who struggles with fear and you don't know how to help, send me line. I'll do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and be blessed.

Real

I wrote this poem about a year ago. I think it is one of the best poems I have written, but I'll let you judge that for yourself. I wrote it at a fundraising dinner on a napkin during the main speech. All of the sudden words and sentences started pouring out and it was started and finished just like that. I didn't mean to ignore the speech, but it had to come out. The title of the poem is Real, not only because that's what it's about, but because I was being real and honest when I wrote it. I was struggling, and I needed a friend like I describe in the poem. I praise and thank God that I have friends who helped me through those days, because I desperately needed them. I don't know if they all knew how much I was hurting because I struggle with a sin called pride, and therefore I have trouble letting people see my weaknesses, so because of that I missed an opportunity to tell them how much they meant to me. But if you're reading this blog, and you knew me last year and what I was going through, and I talked to you about it, thank you for being there for me. I couldn't have done it without you.

Real

"I'm fine, life's good...
Busy this week,
I guess I always am.
Gotta go, catch you later."

No, I'm not really fine,
Do you know that?
Do you see the person behind the mask?
The person who seems to have everything together,
But is falling apart inside?
Do you know that person...

...Do you care?

Did you know how hard it was to give you that smile?
Well, I guess it wasn't;
It's automatic now.

But it wasn't real.

What do I want?
Well, I don't want someone to fix my problems.
I don't want to bleed my heart all over you
And make you clean up the mess.
I'm not like that.

I just want to know someone's there...
...that they care.
I just want someone to walk through this with me.
What I want....

...Is a friend.

I just want someone to talk to,
Nothing serious, just chit chat,
But real chit chat.
It keeps me from sinking into self-pity.

Walking with you through life
Puts mine into perspective.
You're broken?

I'm broken, too.

You're hurting?

I'm hurting, too.

To be honest, sometimes it feels
As if my whole life
Is falling apart.

And I can't do anything but watch.

We need each other.
Don't let me walk alone,
And I promise:

I won't let you walk alone, either.

We're going to make it, friend
And we're going to make it

Together.



Dedicated to all my friends who have always been there for me. I am truly blessed.

Copyrighted by Katie Franck

Humbled and Amazed

Ok, I admit it, I broke my New Year's resolution last week. I do have an excuse though, if you would like to hear it. In a span of four days I started a new job, got engaged, and worked two overnight shifts in a row. Somehow I didn't quite get around to writing a blog for some reason...hmmm.

But here I am, attempting to keep my resolution once more. This is going to be a short post but hopefully it will be encouraging.

2010 was a hard year for me. God tested me in ways that broke my heart so many times. I had to make impossible choices that a lot people didn't understand, and my only justification for them was that I was doing what I thought God was asking me to. There were days when I had to just try to make it through the day with out disintegrating. There were months when I watched my entire world crumble before me. And during the course of the entire year, God asked me to surrender almost everything that is important to me, with the very real possibility that He was going to take it away. It's easy to trust God when life is easy, but much harder when trusting means sacrifice. Many times last year I prayed for a miracle, knowing in my heart that I didn't have enough faith to believe that God would do it. But something amazing happened.

God heard my prayer, and He answered me.

God took everything away from me, and then He gave it all back. Everything I prayed for last year God has done. When I think of that, I am overwhelmed by His love for me. He could have taken everything away from me and still I would have served Him, because I live my life for His glory, however He chooses to show it. But He didn't, because His plan involved blessing me beyond my wildest dreams. I don't know why, but I don't have to. I still live my life for the glory of God, however He chooses to show it. Feast or famine, desert or paradise, my life is God's to use for His glory.

When I think back to those dark days it still hurts, but I'm grateful for them. My faith grew so much because it was so hard. If you are going through a trial right now, I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be. But remember the hope we have have through Jesus Christ. If you believe in His death for your sins, and His resurrection three days later, than you have the promise of a future where He will wipe away all of the tears from your eyes, and where there will be no more death, nor crying, nor pain. The trials we experience only last during this life, Beloved, and after that, we have eternity to spend with Jesus in glorious paradise. Cling to that hope.

Bush Man

I was in beautiful San Francisco last weekend with my sister and a good friend. We saw many interesting things, but what I am about to tell you next is probably the most intersting of them all. We took the Muni (aka the public bus system) around everywhere we went, and on the second day we took it down to Pier 39. A couple of stops before we got off, a homeless man got on carrying a big bundle of freshly cut leafy branches. They were about 3 feet long and rather cumbersome in the bus. When we got off at our stop he stayed on. We looked around the pier for a couple hours and then walked down a couple of blocks for lunch. On our way back, we saw the man with the branches again. He was kneeling on the sidewalk and holding the branches in front of him, so they kind of looked like a bush and he was mostly hidden behind them. As we walked by, he jumped out at a person walking the other direction, presumably to scare them. Apparently this is what he did to make money, although we didn't see a cup or hat or anything on the sidewalk.

This is rather an amusing story, mainly because it seems like an odd way to make money, if that's what he was doing. It got me thinking, "Why is he doing that?" That thought in turn got me thinking of another question: Why do I do what I do? Everyone has a reason for what they do, whether they realize it or not. The man hiding behind the branches on the sidewalk had a reason for doing that, and I had reason for walking by to see him. Nothing happens by accident. You made a choice to do everything you did today,and so I ask you, "Why did you do it?" At first the answers seem obvious, but I encourage you to dig deeper. Why am I writing this blog? At first, the answer is because one of my new year's resolution was to write one blog a week, and I am running out of time for this week. Going deeper, however, I discover that I don't want to fail at keeping my resolution, and publically fail at that, which is the motivation behind this blog. That in turn could lead to if I worry about how I look in other people's eyes and keeping a good face. At that point I learn something about myself. I could do this for all of my activities, and I am sure it would be very revealing.

The point of doing this little excercise is to check my motives and see what they are, and what they should be. Am I glorifying God in ALL my actions? Are the surface motives that I want people to see the same as my inward motives? I challenge you: Take one area or one activity and really question yourself on why you do it. If you need a good place to start, try it for Facebook and see what you discover. I'd love to hear about it!

Before the Throne of God Above

BEFORE THE THRONE OF GOD ABOVE

Before the throne of God above

I have a high and perfect plea

A great high priest whose name is love

Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name graven on His hands

My name written on His heart

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin

Because sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the Just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me

Hallejulah, hallejulah!

Praise the one, the risen Son of God

Behold Him there the risen lamb

My perfect, spotless righteousness

The great unchangeable I Am

The King of glory and of grace

One with himself I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hid with Christ on high

With Christ my Savior and my God

Hallelujah, Hallelujah!

Praise the one, the risen Son of God

When I hear this song and read the lyrics, it gives me chills. It tells so eloquently and yet so simply our position in Christ. My favorite verse is: "Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free. For God the Just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me." It's simple, and yet so profound. As Christians, we need to remind ourselves of the gospel regularly. I was reminded of this again and again last year, though books I read and sermons I listened to. And yet, every time I heard it, I needed to hear it again. It seems strange the the cornerstone of Christianity can be overlooked so easily, and yet it is. We think that we know the gospel and so instead of dwelling on it every day, we start working on being good Christians by crossing our t's and dotting out i's. Too soon we forget why we're doing what we're doing. The simple truth is this: you cannot think of the gospel too much; it is the essence of Christianity. The other reason I like this song is because of the hallelujah part. You hear the words, you realize once again what Christ did, and your heart overflows with gratitude. And then the song switches from theology to praise, right at the perfect moment. It's beautiful.

I challenge you: Sit down and think about the gospel today. And tomorrow. And thank God for what He's done for you. You won't regret it.

I Am Resolved

Happy New Year to all twelve people who read my blog : ) Don't worry, it doesn't bother me. I write more for myself than for anyone else. Blogging let's me organize my thoughts and share something that I feel might be beneficial to someone else. Wasn't that the purpose of blogs in the first place? That being said, let me share one of my new year's resolution for 2011.

I am resolved to write a blog at least once a week.

There. I've said it. In once sense, I glad that I am forcing myself to be disciplined. In another sense, I'm scared of adding another commitment to my already semi-crazy life. How will I find time? How will I think of things to write about? What if I fail and everyone knows it since I've posted it for everyone to see?

I don't know how this will work out. Up until now, writing one post a month has been a challenge. Some things will probably change, such as the posts will probably we shorter, which might be a blessing for my reading audience. I will also probably have to give something else up, which will probably be facebook time.

The question that naturally follows is this: Why am I doing this? First and most of all, I was convicted by a post by my fellow blogger Aaron Katreeb on discipline. I am disciplined in many areas of my life, but this is not one of them. I believe in discipline in all areas of life, and the more areas it is in, the easier it gets. I know some of you might cringe at the word discipline. It conjures up images of an army-like regulated life with no fun or excitement. Let me tell you something: my life ain't nothing like that. I have a lot of fun, and it is very exciting. I believe that my life is like that because I am disciplined and the freedom that it brings. I could write a whole post just about that, and maybe I will, but not right now. The other reason I decided on this resolution is because many people have told me: "You should write more, Katie." I usually agree with them, and then I usually don't. I believe my ability to write is a gift from God, and I don't want to waste something God gave me. Right now, I am using that gift in a small way in my little blog, but that's better than nothing. I'd rather return to God one talent than bury it in the ground and give Him nothing in return. I believe that this is both my obligation and my privilege.

So there it is. I'm counting on you, people, to help me keep this resolution. If you have an idea that you want me to write about, drop me a line. I could use some ideas. Thank you for your faithful reading over the past two years.

Katie

The Miracle of Christmas

The King of Heaven came down to us.
He came to a sinful world full of sinners who sinned-
Sinned against Him.
But He didn't sin.
Instead, He loved them.
He loved us.

He came in the humblest of ways,
As the humblest of beings:
A Baby.
Helpless.
Born of girl who was a nobody
From a nothing town.

He was hated, despised
His life was threatened from infancy
To adulthood
Until finally, the threat became reality.

He was wounded for our transgressions
He was bruised for our iniquities
The chastisement for our sins was upon Him
And by His stripes, we are healed.

The death He died for us,
Was invented for its cruelty.
The suffering it caused is staggering.
And yet,
He suffered that for us, and that was only the beginning.

The Son endured the wrath of the Father;
Wrath He didn't deserve for sins He didn't commit.
And yet, He took our place.
Because we couldn't save ourselves,
He saved us.

The miracle is not that Jesus came to save the lost:
That was simple obedience.
The miracle is that He loved those
He came to save.

The miracle is that Jesus came down at Christmas
To a broken, hopeless world.
And He lived a perfect life.
And when He went to the cross,
He saw a very desperate you and a really pathetic me in the distance
And He died anyways.

If that doesn't amaze you
Why not?


Passages adapted with poetic license taken from "Living Whole Without a Better Half", "Lover of My Soul" and Isaiah 53:5