I thought I could do it. I can't.

12:21 am. I looked at the clock as I paced back and forth in the kitchen and ate my yogurt. Back and forth. Back and forth. Front yard, back yard. Despite what it appeared, I wasn’t really agitated or distressed. I was just thinking . And praying. In the middle of the night on May 16th I reached the apex of the journey I had been traveling for almost two months, and the lesson God had been teaching me finally sunk in. It had been a good journey and, for once, the lesson hadn’t been unduly painful.

These last few months have been the worst I’ve slept in my entire life. I used to be a consistently good and sound sleeper, but not anymore. Overall I still sleep pretty well, but sometimes I’ll be tired but unable to fall asleep, and other times I’ll be wide awake at 12:30, 1:00, 2:00, etc. I don’t know what changed, but with the new year came a new way of life for me. And, truth be told, it’s been amazing. You wouldn’t normally think that a change from good sleep to bad sleep would be good, but it has been. While the world is sleeping in the quiet morning hours and all of the distractions are gone, I talk to God, and He talks to me. Those times I haven’t been able to sleep have been the times I’ve felt closest to God. Such was the case a few nights ago. In the dark, walking on the cold linoleum, talking with God, I was struck with this epiphany: I can’t do it.

I believe this journey started when I prayed for God to help me rely on His strength and not my own. God loves it when we pray prayers like that, so we should only pray them if we mean it. Shortly thereafter I caught a cold, then a sinus infection, then another cold, and all in all I’ve been sick for quite a long time. That was one step in keeping me from relying on my own strength, since I didn’t have much for awhile. The next step was to overwhelm me with all the activities I have going. To be honest, a good percentage of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and I am learning as I go. That can get a little unnerving sometimes. The last step was to show me how completely inadequate I am in areas I thought I was adequate in. It’s very deflating when you say, “I’m good at _________, “ and God says, “No, you’re not.” That is how I came to the conclusion that I can’t do it- I can’t do it by myself, without God, or in my own strength. I used to think I could, which resulted in things usually heading south the minute that proud attitude took root. I never overtly said, “I’m doing this by myself and I don’t need God’s help.” Rather it was just not asking for His help with things, as if I didn’t need it. These last two months have crushed that way of thinking. Through sickness and not sleeping and tons of stuff to do I’ve realized how weak I am; how limited I am. I am nothing, but God is everything. He uses weakness for His glory. It doesn’t matter what we can or cannot do because God is the one who is working anyway. It’s not me- It’s Him. I can’t explain the strength He’s provided when all my human strength has been gone. 2 Corinthians 12:9 has become real for me, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I’ve learned that His strength IS made perfect in weakness, that His grace IS sufficient. Not some of the time in some situations. All of the time in all situations. I’ve learned that when I acknowledge that I don’t know what I’m doing and let God work through me, things will happen, and it will be amazing. I can say with Paul, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” because I learned that when we lose natural strength we are overcome with supernatural strength.

That was a good journey. I hope I’m not done with it, even though I do hope I’ve learned my lesson. The peace I feel right now is amazing. I know it because I realize I don’t have to do anything anymore in my own strength; I can do it in God’s. To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

Lovin' Life

I enjoy living. I mean, I really LOVE life-most days. I see life as an adventure in which you never know what might be just around the corner, but it’s probably exciting. I love it when unexpected things happen, when you go, “Whoa, didn’t see that one coming!” Like the time I got my gown caught in the car door and couldn’t get it out the day of my graduation. That was not funny then, but it’s definitely funny now. These days I really enjoying smelling things because I’ve had a cold for six weeks and with it went my sense of smell, so when I actually smell something I get excited. I like challenges because I like overcoming them. Please keep in mind that as I write this, I am in an extremely good mood. I just made it through a very long and challenging weekend during which time I wasn’t quite in the same frame of mind I am now. Please don’t think that I am a happy-go-lucky person who never struggles, because that isn’t the case. I’m a human just like you, and I have bad days just like anyone, but I do try to always look on the bright side. I call myself an eternal optimist, which actually has a double meaning. One is that I always try to see the good in any situation, and the other is that because I’m a Christian, I can be optimistic because there is nothing to fear in this life or the next. That’s the best part of living. No matter what happens, I know God is in control of it and nothing will happen to me unless He allows it and it is for my good.

I haven’t always enjoyed life like I do now. There have been times when I have just survived it. I don’t really know what caused the change, but if I had to take a guess I would say I finally stopped fighting the way my life was and accepted it for what it is. I stopped living for “someday” and started living today, because that’s all I really have anyways. I let God take control and now I sit back and enjoy the ride. I also unwound my tightly wound self a little and found the freedom of being spontaneous and easy-going when things don’t go the way I think they should go. I learned how to laugh when something I do turns out to be a complete disaster because it’s usually pretty funny. I think some people, including my previous self, take things too seriously. They think everything has to go exactly according to plan or else everyone will hate them and the rest of their life will be ruined. Hardly anything would cause that to happen, and especially not if you start dinner ten minutes later than what you told everyone. I admit part of me is still there, but I’m working on it.

In my opinion you can let life control you or you can control it. Obviously God is ultimately in control, but you can control how you respond. It depends on what lens you choose to look through. The same situation can look very different depending on where you are standing. If you come from the perspective that everyone is out to get you, then you’ll get mad when the car in front of you cuts you off. If you come from the perspective of giving the benefit of the doubt and realize that maybe his wife is having baby and he’s trying to get there, then it doesn’t look so bad. The choice is yours: What will you choose?

A Privilege and an Honor

I think sometimes as Christians we fall into the “duty” rut. We lose the wonder of what it means to be a Christian because we see everything as an obligation. We have to go to church. We have to do devotions. We have to pray. Christians should be the best people to be around, but sadly that usually isn’t the case. I’ve heard stories, many stories, of people saying how they dislike it when Christians come into their store because they are the worst customers. Why is that? We as Christians have the honor of being ambassadors of Christ; God has given us the privilege of being the ones to represent His Son to this world, and we are prone to act as if that is the worst job anyone could have given us. Or, we forget that’s our job and live like it isn’t. Would we act like that if we were given the job of representing our country as an ambassador? I doubt it. We’d probably treat it as an honor. Why? Because someone thought that we would be the best one for the job and would give the impression they wanted others to have about our country. I hate to break it to you, but Christ didn’t choose us because we were the best ones for the job. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-28 says, “For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are.” We were the foolish, the weak, the base, the despised. And yet, we were the ones He picked. I’ll never understand why Christ chose me, but I am so thankful he did, and I’ll do my best to live my life to bring Him glory because that’s what He deserves. Nothing He asks me to do should be a burden because I was dead and Christ gave me life, not because I deserved it, but because He loves me. Does that seem like a bad trade to you? Christians sometimes carry around the “I can’t enjoy life because I have so many things the Bible says I have to do” attitude. That’s wrong. We don’t HAVE to go to church; we GET to go to church. We don’t HAVE to do devotions; we GET to do devotions. We don’t HAVE to pray; we GET to pray. We get to live this life with purpose and peace and we have the privilege of knowing the God who created it in the first place. Could we really ask for more?