I Forgot What I Was Doing

This blog isn’t really about me. This is a blog about an amazing God who has shown Himself faithful and who has blessed me beyond measure by allowing me to be a part of His divine plan. This is a blog about my Savior and my best friend. I dance with God, and God dances with me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth-Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord." Psalm 40 :1-2

I didn’t really forget, you know. I say that because it just seemed like I forgot. In reality God did an amazing work in my life and spun me around 180 degrees. It took a lot of prayers, crying, questions, searching, and grace. It took wandering through the desert of doubt and fear and it took being completely broken to get me to the place where I am today. I learned what it meant to totally surrender and I learned that God won’t leave you stranded forever-just long enough to let you realize that you are not the one in charge. Even though it was tough sometimes I wouldn’t trade this last year for anything. I wouldn’t trade the tears or the frustration or the uncertainty because it was a process that transformed me and my walk with the Lord and draws me closer ever closer with the Lover of my Soul.

It was May 2008. I was 19 and recently graduated with my associate degree in Interior Design. The logical thing to do was to start looking for a job in my field and become a useful citizen. The only problem was that I didn’t want to do interior design anymore. Oh, sure, I was good at it, decently good in fact, but deep down inside I knew I would never find fulfillment in making rich people’s nice houses look nicer by spending a lot of money. So my great plan was to find a place to go overseas for a couple months. I said I wanted to serve God and others through some type of service. That was partly true, but the whole truth is that I had no idea what I wanted and I thought that going overseas would 1)Let me run away from my problems and 2) Give me a few more months to get my life together.
Fast-forward to August. Let’s see, what changed? I was still a 19 year old burned out interior design graduate who didn’t have a clue, but now I was also extremely frustrated because all my plans for going overseas weren’t going anywhere. I was mad because if I had ever wanted something before I usually found a way to get it. God had a different idea. He was breaking me down- slowly, slowly.

September came and I finally decided to stop fighting God for control of my life. (It took me long enough!) For maybe the first time in my life I completely surrendered. Previously my attitude towards God was kind of, “This is what I want to do, so I hope that’s okay with you.” I know that sounds arrogant, but I was arrogant. I had learned how to be self-sufficient over the years, and although I’d never admit it, I think that was my attitude towards God as well. So it took quite awhile to chip away at my hard heart, but God won eventually-obviously. And I can’t tell you the peace I received as soon as I let go. I was still in the same position, but I was okay with it now.

So then what happened? God blessed me beyond measure. He made me wait a little while longer to make sure I really trusted Him and it wasn’t just lip service, and then He opened up a door for me to tour across the U.S. with the Emerge team from YWAM. I can’t tell you what an amazing experience that was, but maybe I’ll try anyways in a future post. I grew so much during those two months…it was amazing. I found myself, but more importantly, I found myself with Christ in control. I kept praying for God to showing me what He had for my future, but I didn’t receive an answer. The tour was almost over and I was about to be a 19 year old burned out interior design graduate who didn’t have a clue (but was trusting in God) again. Then one day when I was praying about it God said, “Don’t miss the forest because of the trees. “ I was like, “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?” Then two days before Thanksgiving a light bulb went off as I was reading about modern-day slavery. My heart was breaking and I was crying out to God about how He could allow such injustice and why He didn’t do something and He said, “I did do something. I made you. You go fight injustice.” (The forest and trees part was that the tour was focused on injustice, yet I didn’t see how that related to me up until that point. I was just the nanny, after all.) So God gave me the vision, but He didn’t give me how I would do it. That revelation came about a month and a half of searching later. Then God made it very clear that I was to go back to school and get a business degree, then go overseas and start a business that would give people who are victims of injustice another option and a skill set that they normally couldn’t get. I say God made it very clear, and how I know that is because I felt great peace about the decision even though I said I would never go back to school. I don’t how the pieces are going to fit together, but am walking by faith and trusting God to make things work out. I can honestly say that I have never been more joyful than I have been these last five or six months. Oh, there have been times when I let my faith waver and doubt creep in, and times when I want to take control again (like every day) but God extends grace even to those who are least deserving. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m clinging to the One who does. And that is a great place to be.

(I realize that was an extremely long post, so thank you to all of you who actually read the whole thing. I promise that future posts won’t be that long, but I felt it would be good for you to see where I’m coming from.)