It hurts so much sometimes. Sometimes I’ve cried so hard that I couldn’t breath because the pain was so deep. Other times I would have done anything just to escape. Sometimes I’ve been so numb I couldn’t feel anything at all.
There are times in our lives when God’s plan doesn’t make sense. There are times when all I can ask God is “Why?” Why did he have to die? Why did September 11th have to happen? I’ve prayed, “You could have healed them, God! You could have prevented that accident! You could have kept them from dying!” And ever so softly, God whispers to my anguished heart, “Yes, I could have, but I didn’t, because My plan is bigger than what you can see.” It times like these where I have to cling desperately to the truths I know: God is good. God loves us. God is in control. And God says “No” sometimes. It doesn’t make sense in my little human brain. In my mind, I don’t see why people have to suffer. If I could, I would eliminate all the suffering in this world. But God doesn’t see things from a human perspective. He does things for His glory, things that might not make sense to us. If I could see the cosmic plan the way God sees it I wouldn’t have these questions. I have to admit that I don’t know why, and that’s why it is so hard. I have to make myself believe the things I know are true, even if I don’t feel like it, even if I don’t see why they happened. The Christian life isn’t about feelings, it’s about truth. If we lived solely off of feelings we would all turn away the first bumpy patch we hit. Sometimes I don’t feel like reading my Bible, but I know those are the times I need to the most. Sometimes I might not feel that God is just or good, but that doesn’t change the fact that He is.
So what do we do? We lean on the God of grace and keep living. We can’t stop it, we can’t go back. All we can do is keep moving forward and trust God to get us through the tough patches. There are going to be things we don’t understand and can’t explain. We’re going to cry sometimes. We might have to get through the race of faith crawling on our hands and knees, but at the end of it all, it will be worth it. The prize is worth the pain.
My God is good. My God is love. I believe that, so I trust Him. End of story.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Timing and Trust
God’s timing. It’s perfect. It’s good. And it doesn’t make sense so many times. It’s so hard to do things God’s way because we think we know better. Or, we acknowledge that we don’t know better, but we would still rather do things our way because at least we are in control that way. Isn’t that amazing? We would sacrifice the best for the mediocre simply so we don’t have to trust anyone else with our lives. Trust is hard. It means letting go of the reins and believing that wherever God takes us is the best place to be, even if we don’t want to be there. But I’m digressing. I started talking about God’s timing and ended up talking about trust. I guess it makes sense; they are closely related. In order to accept God’s timing we have to trust Him first.
Have you ever asked God, “Why now?” I have asked Him that question a lot, both when He has brought difficult things in my life and when He has brought blessings into my life. Sometimes it feels like all of the difficult things are grouped together in life, that once you get hit with one thing then everything hits. You feel like you’re drowning and you finally surface and get a gulp of air only to get pushed down again by something else. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the other boat, too. These are the times when God heaps blessing upon blessing upon you and you ask “Why?” because you know you don’t deserve it. These are times when you get overwhelmed by God’s love for you, and in turn it grows your love for your Father. Life happens like this, doesn’t it? At least it does for me. This is when it is hard to understand God’s timing. In my teeny human mind, I would spread out the good and bad times evenly so life doesn’t get overwhelming. I know I would, but even as I write this I realize how different my life would be and what a different person I would be if that was actually how it happened. And to be honest, I wouldn’t want it. The intense bad times makes character growth skyrocket. You will never grow like when your world seems to be falling apart. When everything is crumbling away you have to hang onto God for dear life because there is nothing left to stand on. Once you make it through those times, however, it makes the good times better and the blessings sweeter. God’s timing is perfect. He will never ask us to do something we can’t. He will break us but not destroy us. That’s a promise we have to cling to when life doesn’t make sense. When God’s timing doesn’t make sense.
Have you ever asked God, “Why now?” I have asked Him that question a lot, both when He has brought difficult things in my life and when He has brought blessings into my life. Sometimes it feels like all of the difficult things are grouped together in life, that once you get hit with one thing then everything hits. You feel like you’re drowning and you finally surface and get a gulp of air only to get pushed down again by something else. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the other boat, too. These are the times when God heaps blessing upon blessing upon you and you ask “Why?” because you know you don’t deserve it. These are times when you get overwhelmed by God’s love for you, and in turn it grows your love for your Father. Life happens like this, doesn’t it? At least it does for me. This is when it is hard to understand God’s timing. In my teeny human mind, I would spread out the good and bad times evenly so life doesn’t get overwhelming. I know I would, but even as I write this I realize how different my life would be and what a different person I would be if that was actually how it happened. And to be honest, I wouldn’t want it. The intense bad times makes character growth skyrocket. You will never grow like when your world seems to be falling apart. When everything is crumbling away you have to hang onto God for dear life because there is nothing left to stand on. Once you make it through those times, however, it makes the good times better and the blessings sweeter. God’s timing is perfect. He will never ask us to do something we can’t. He will break us but not destroy us. That’s a promise we have to cling to when life doesn’t make sense. When God’s timing doesn’t make sense.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I thought I could do it. I can't.
12:21 am. I looked at the clock as I paced back and forth in the kitchen and ate my yogurt. Back and forth. Back and forth. Front yard, back yard. Despite what it appeared, I wasn’t really agitated or distressed. I was just thinking . And praying. In the middle of the night on May 16th I reached the apex of the journey I had been traveling for almost two months, and the lesson God had been teaching me finally sunk in. It had been a good journey and, for once, the lesson hadn’t been unduly painful.
These last few months have been the worst I’ve slept in my entire life. I used to be a consistently good and sound sleeper, but not anymore. Overall I still sleep pretty well, but sometimes I’ll be tired but unable to fall asleep, and other times I’ll be wide awake at 12:30, 1:00, 2:00, etc. I don’t know what changed, but with the new year came a new way of life for me. And, truth be told, it’s been amazing. You wouldn’t normally think that a change from good sleep to bad sleep would be good, but it has been. While the world is sleeping in the quiet morning hours and all of the distractions are gone, I talk to God, and He talks to me. Those times I haven’t been able to sleep have been the times I’ve felt closest to God. Such was the case a few nights ago. In the dark, walking on the cold linoleum, talking with God, I was struck with this epiphany: I can’t do it.
I believe this journey started when I prayed for God to help me rely on His strength and not my own. God loves it when we pray prayers like that, so we should only pray them if we mean it. Shortly thereafter I caught a cold, then a sinus infection, then another cold, and all in all I’ve been sick for quite a long time. That was one step in keeping me from relying on my own strength, since I didn’t have much for awhile. The next step was to overwhelm me with all the activities I have going. To be honest, a good percentage of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and I am learning as I go. That can get a little unnerving sometimes. The last step was to show me how completely inadequate I am in areas I thought I was adequate in. It’s very deflating when you say, “I’m good at _________, “ and God says, “No, you’re not.” That is how I came to the conclusion that I can’t do it- I can’t do it by myself, without God, or in my own strength. I used to think I could, which resulted in things usually heading south the minute that proud attitude took root. I never overtly said, “I’m doing this by myself and I don’t need God’s help.” Rather it was just not asking for His help with things, as if I didn’t need it. These last two months have crushed that way of thinking. Through sickness and not sleeping and tons of stuff to do I’ve realized how weak I am; how limited I am. I am nothing, but God is everything. He uses weakness for His glory. It doesn’t matter what we can or cannot do because God is the one who is working anyway. It’s not me- It’s Him. I can’t explain the strength He’s provided when all my human strength has been gone. 2 Corinthians 12:9 has become real for me, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I’ve learned that His strength IS made perfect in weakness, that His grace IS sufficient. Not some of the time in some situations. All of the time in all situations. I’ve learned that when I acknowledge that I don’t know what I’m doing and let God work through me, things will happen, and it will be amazing. I can say with Paul, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” because I learned that when we lose natural strength we are overcome with supernatural strength.
That was a good journey. I hope I’m not done with it, even though I do hope I’ve learned my lesson. The peace I feel right now is amazing. I know it because I realize I don’t have to do anything anymore in my own strength; I can do it in God’s. To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen.
These last few months have been the worst I’ve slept in my entire life. I used to be a consistently good and sound sleeper, but not anymore. Overall I still sleep pretty well, but sometimes I’ll be tired but unable to fall asleep, and other times I’ll be wide awake at 12:30, 1:00, 2:00, etc. I don’t know what changed, but with the new year came a new way of life for me. And, truth be told, it’s been amazing. You wouldn’t normally think that a change from good sleep to bad sleep would be good, but it has been. While the world is sleeping in the quiet morning hours and all of the distractions are gone, I talk to God, and He talks to me. Those times I haven’t been able to sleep have been the times I’ve felt closest to God. Such was the case a few nights ago. In the dark, walking on the cold linoleum, talking with God, I was struck with this epiphany: I can’t do it.
I believe this journey started when I prayed for God to help me rely on His strength and not my own. God loves it when we pray prayers like that, so we should only pray them if we mean it. Shortly thereafter I caught a cold, then a sinus infection, then another cold, and all in all I’ve been sick for quite a long time. That was one step in keeping me from relying on my own strength, since I didn’t have much for awhile. The next step was to overwhelm me with all the activities I have going. To be honest, a good percentage of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and I am learning as I go. That can get a little unnerving sometimes. The last step was to show me how completely inadequate I am in areas I thought I was adequate in. It’s very deflating when you say, “I’m good at _________, “ and God says, “No, you’re not.” That is how I came to the conclusion that I can’t do it- I can’t do it by myself, without God, or in my own strength. I used to think I could, which resulted in things usually heading south the minute that proud attitude took root. I never overtly said, “I’m doing this by myself and I don’t need God’s help.” Rather it was just not asking for His help with things, as if I didn’t need it. These last two months have crushed that way of thinking. Through sickness and not sleeping and tons of stuff to do I’ve realized how weak I am; how limited I am. I am nothing, but God is everything. He uses weakness for His glory. It doesn’t matter what we can or cannot do because God is the one who is working anyway. It’s not me- It’s Him. I can’t explain the strength He’s provided when all my human strength has been gone. 2 Corinthians 12:9 has become real for me, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I’ve learned that His strength IS made perfect in weakness, that His grace IS sufficient. Not some of the time in some situations. All of the time in all situations. I’ve learned that when I acknowledge that I don’t know what I’m doing and let God work through me, things will happen, and it will be amazing. I can say with Paul, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” because I learned that when we lose natural strength we are overcome with supernatural strength.
That was a good journey. I hope I’m not done with it, even though I do hope I’ve learned my lesson. The peace I feel right now is amazing. I know it because I realize I don’t have to do anything anymore in my own strength; I can do it in God’s. To Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Lovin' Life
I enjoy living. I mean, I really LOVE life-most days. I see life as an adventure in which you never know what might be just around the corner, but it’s probably exciting. I love it when unexpected things happen, when you go, “Whoa, didn’t see that one coming!” Like the time I got my gown caught in the car door and couldn’t get it out the day of my graduation. That was not funny then, but it’s definitely funny now. These days I really enjoying smelling things because I’ve had a cold for six weeks and with it went my sense of smell, so when I actually smell something I get excited. I like challenges because I like overcoming them. Please keep in mind that as I write this, I am in an extremely good mood. I just made it through a very long and challenging weekend during which time I wasn’t quite in the same frame of mind I am now. Please don’t think that I am a happy-go-lucky person who never struggles, because that isn’t the case. I’m a human just like you, and I have bad days just like anyone, but I do try to always look on the bright side. I call myself an eternal optimist, which actually has a double meaning. One is that I always try to see the good in any situation, and the other is that because I’m a Christian, I can be optimistic because there is nothing to fear in this life or the next. That’s the best part of living. No matter what happens, I know God is in control of it and nothing will happen to me unless He allows it and it is for my good.
I haven’t always enjoyed life like I do now. There have been times when I have just survived it. I don’t really know what caused the change, but if I had to take a guess I would say I finally stopped fighting the way my life was and accepted it for what it is. I stopped living for “someday” and started living today, because that’s all I really have anyways. I let God take control and now I sit back and enjoy the ride. I also unwound my tightly wound self a little and found the freedom of being spontaneous and easy-going when things don’t go the way I think they should go. I learned how to laugh when something I do turns out to be a complete disaster because it’s usually pretty funny. I think some people, including my previous self, take things too seriously. They think everything has to go exactly according to plan or else everyone will hate them and the rest of their life will be ruined. Hardly anything would cause that to happen, and especially not if you start dinner ten minutes later than what you told everyone. I admit part of me is still there, but I’m working on it.
In my opinion you can let life control you or you can control it. Obviously God is ultimately in control, but you can control how you respond. It depends on what lens you choose to look through. The same situation can look very different depending on where you are standing. If you come from the perspective that everyone is out to get you, then you’ll get mad when the car in front of you cuts you off. If you come from the perspective of giving the benefit of the doubt and realize that maybe his wife is having baby and he’s trying to get there, then it doesn’t look so bad. The choice is yours: What will you choose?
I haven’t always enjoyed life like I do now. There have been times when I have just survived it. I don’t really know what caused the change, but if I had to take a guess I would say I finally stopped fighting the way my life was and accepted it for what it is. I stopped living for “someday” and started living today, because that’s all I really have anyways. I let God take control and now I sit back and enjoy the ride. I also unwound my tightly wound self a little and found the freedom of being spontaneous and easy-going when things don’t go the way I think they should go. I learned how to laugh when something I do turns out to be a complete disaster because it’s usually pretty funny. I think some people, including my previous self, take things too seriously. They think everything has to go exactly according to plan or else everyone will hate them and the rest of their life will be ruined. Hardly anything would cause that to happen, and especially not if you start dinner ten minutes later than what you told everyone. I admit part of me is still there, but I’m working on it.
In my opinion you can let life control you or you can control it. Obviously God is ultimately in control, but you can control how you respond. It depends on what lens you choose to look through. The same situation can look very different depending on where you are standing. If you come from the perspective that everyone is out to get you, then you’ll get mad when the car in front of you cuts you off. If you come from the perspective of giving the benefit of the doubt and realize that maybe his wife is having baby and he’s trying to get there, then it doesn’t look so bad. The choice is yours: What will you choose?
Monday, May 4, 2009
A Privilege and an Honor
I think sometimes as Christians we fall into the “duty” rut. We lose the wonder of what it means to be a Christian because we see everything as an obligation. We have to go to church. We have to do devotions. We have to pray. Christians should be the best people to be around, but sadly that usually isn’t the case. I’ve heard stories, many stories, of people saying how they dislike it when Christians come into their store because they are the worst customers. Why is that? We as Christians have the honor of being ambassadors of Christ; God has given us the privilege of being the ones to represent His Son to this world, and we are prone to act as if that is the worst job anyone could have given us. Or, we forget that’s our job and live like it isn’t. Would we act like that if we were given the job of representing our country as an ambassador? I doubt it. We’d probably treat it as an honor. Why? Because someone thought that we would be the best one for the job and would give the impression they wanted others to have about our country. I hate to break it to you, but Christ didn’t choose us because we were the best ones for the job. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-28 says, “For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are.” We were the foolish, the weak, the base, the despised. And yet, we were the ones He picked. I’ll never understand why Christ chose me, but I am so thankful he did, and I’ll do my best to live my life to bring Him glory because that’s what He deserves. Nothing He asks me to do should be a burden because I was dead and Christ gave me life, not because I deserved it, but because He loves me. Does that seem like a bad trade to you? Christians sometimes carry around the “I can’t enjoy life because I have so many things the Bible says I have to do” attitude. That’s wrong. We don’t HAVE to go to church; we GET to go to church. We don’t HAVE to do devotions; we GET to do devotions. We don’t HAVE to pray; we GET to pray. We get to live this life with purpose and peace and we have the privilege of knowing the God who created it in the first place. Could we really ask for more?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I'm Done Asking Why
"I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before we say goodbye. But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why. I’m on my knees, begging you to turn to me. I’m on my knees, Father will you turn to me?"
"Hold My Heart"- Tenth Avenue North
These lyrics really speak to me. If you haven’t heard the song you should. Sometimes I struggle so much with wanting to be in control. I’m afraid to close my eyes because if I can’t see what is going on than it might slip away. I’m not ready for that. I’m never ready for God to take away something I think I need. Even if I’m not ready, though, I can still trust Him. That’s where the second part comes in. I love the phrase, “But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.” I think it conveys the exact attitude that we should have toward God and His will. God gives us the privilege to ask why, but with the privilege comes the understanding that He might not answer us. We can ask why something happened the way it did, but in the end we need to trust God that He knows best, and ultimately stop asking and accept it. Continuously asking why about the same topic can be a sign of unbelief. Asking why because we don’t understand, but then accepting that we don’t understand (and maybe will never understand) and being at peace about that shows that we trust God. Jesus did that in the garden of Gethsemane. He understood perfectly why it had to be done, but He still prayed for another way. And, after He prayed, He willingly accepted God’s plan and went to the cross. Was it easy? Certainly not, and Jesus knew it wouldn’t be. But God doesn’t design our lives here on earth to be easy. He designs them to bring glory to Himself. Jesus knew that, too. That’s why He prayed, “Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Mark 14:36b) On the flip side of that, God does love us and care for us. He is not going to make us suffer uselessly. That is why we can have full confidence that when a “Why?” issue comes up, even if we don’t understand it, it’s for our good.
I’ve had a lot of “Why?” questions in my life. Sometimes I couldn’t see any reason at all, and I still can’t. But that doesn’t matter. I’m stronger now because of them. They still hurt, there are still questions, but I’m at peace. I’m not in control, and to be honest, it’s much better this way. “We walk by faith not by sight.” (2 Cor. 5:7)
"Hold My Heart"- Tenth Avenue North
These lyrics really speak to me. If you haven’t heard the song you should. Sometimes I struggle so much with wanting to be in control. I’m afraid to close my eyes because if I can’t see what is going on than it might slip away. I’m not ready for that. I’m never ready for God to take away something I think I need. Even if I’m not ready, though, I can still trust Him. That’s where the second part comes in. I love the phrase, “But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.” I think it conveys the exact attitude that we should have toward God and His will. God gives us the privilege to ask why, but with the privilege comes the understanding that He might not answer us. We can ask why something happened the way it did, but in the end we need to trust God that He knows best, and ultimately stop asking and accept it. Continuously asking why about the same topic can be a sign of unbelief. Asking why because we don’t understand, but then accepting that we don’t understand (and maybe will never understand) and being at peace about that shows that we trust God. Jesus did that in the garden of Gethsemane. He understood perfectly why it had to be done, but He still prayed for another way. And, after He prayed, He willingly accepted God’s plan and went to the cross. Was it easy? Certainly not, and Jesus knew it wouldn’t be. But God doesn’t design our lives here on earth to be easy. He designs them to bring glory to Himself. Jesus knew that, too. That’s why He prayed, “Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Mark 14:36b) On the flip side of that, God does love us and care for us. He is not going to make us suffer uselessly. That is why we can have full confidence that when a “Why?” issue comes up, even if we don’t understand it, it’s for our good.
I’ve had a lot of “Why?” questions in my life. Sometimes I couldn’t see any reason at all, and I still can’t. But that doesn’t matter. I’m stronger now because of them. They still hurt, there are still questions, but I’m at peace. I’m not in control, and to be honest, it’s much better this way. “We walk by faith not by sight.” (2 Cor. 5:7)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
It Should Have Been You
2000 years ago, a man was dying on a cross. He was battered, bruised, and bloody. He had endured every possible way one human being could hurt another, not only by being whipped, beaten, and struck, but also by betrayal and broken promises. His close friends had deserted him. The people he was king over had rejected him. Most of us probably won't have even made it to the cross considering the torture that took place before it. Yet he had, and now he was hanging on a cross and facing death by suffication. Crucifiction was engineered to be the most painful way to die. It took hours. Imagine how bad it was when breaking BOTH of someone's legs was considered merciful. We have no idea what it was like; we can't imagine what it was like. To top it all off, God himself turned His face away. That was by far the worst punishment. Jesus knew what was going to happen, and yet He did it anyway. He did it, because, even though it should have been us on the cross, that wouldn't have changed anything in God's eyes. Sinless had to pay the price of sinful if we were to have any hope. Dying and going to hell satisfies God's justice. That's what we all deserve. Jesus came so there would be another way. Remeber that this Easter.
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